Daddy's Perspective

It's funny how when something bad happens that is completely out of your control, you find anything you can to blame. When the news about our baby came in, I blamed this blog. I blamed myself for creating this blog. And for telling so many people. I'm not a religious man, but I am very superstitious (anyone who was with me during the '94 NFC Playoffs or the '02 World Series can attest to that, and I am sorry if I yelled at you for changing positions in the room). I felt that I had somehow jinxed everything by celebrating too early. I know it sounds crazy, but it's how I felt. I know that we are not in the clear yet, and I hope this doesn't jinx anything, but I want to write about how I am feeling.

When that call came in, it seemed as though it was a call I had been dreading my whole life. I have always worried that I wouldn't be strong enough to be the parent of a special needs child. My classroom is directly across a driveway from a school for special needs children. I see their parents drop them off in the morning, and I know that even that can take tremendous effort. I have always admired those parents and questioned my own ability to handle that kind of lifestyle. Anyway, back to the call. I was surprised by myself. I was confident and sure. I helped take care of Tori as she sobbed into my chest. I wasn't numb. I wasn't confused. I knew what I had to do in that moment. I had to be strong for my family. I have never felt more like a man.

I was surprised again when we saw our son's (still feels weird saying it) little...um...thing. I have always been sure that I would have only daughters. I have never imagined what it would be like to raise a son. I was fully prepared in that moment when they showed us the sex of the baby to celebrate that we were having a baby girl. When we found out that we will be having a boy, everything flipped around and swirled in my head. I saw his whole life as it related to me, playing out in my mind. It happened in a flash, but it changed this whole thing for me. I saw him taking his first steps, saying his first words, teaching him how to play baseball and, for some reason, especially football. Tori bought this great football chair and I could see him sitting there next to his daddy watching football on Sundays. And then I remembered that that little boy in there with the perfect looking head, heart, feet and hands might not make it. I was so happy and so distraught in that moment, I thought my heart might give out.

When the next call came in, saying that the test came back normal, all of those images of his life came rushing back. This time, however, I was in front of my 4th period English class. (They immediately planned a baby shower when I told them the news) As the time has gone on, I am getting more used to the idea of having a boy, but I don't know if it will fully set in until we know all of the tests have been done.

Tori has been great and we are feeling very hopeful and optimistic right now. We are trying to stay realistic and remember that we are not out of the woods yet, but we have been laughing and that is the sign to me that things have gone back to normal (somewhat). We have put the finishing touches on the apartment (no more boxes in the living room and the baby's room is somewhat cleared out so that I can use it as my workout room in the morning) and it is starting to feel like home even more.

Probably the second most exciting news aside from the test results is that our little "bug" as Tori has begun to call him has started kicking. Kicking isn't really the word for it actually. It's more like fluttering. And I have even felt the little flutters. Apparently he doesn't like it when his mommy does crunches. It is starting to feel very real now, and I have never felt more ready. I know now that I can be strong for my family. That I am a man.